Whacko
by Tsuki-no-Kurokage
Summary: It was just a simple game of Whacko. It was just a simple teasing during the game. So how did a stupid forfeit turn into...that? HitsuIchi [Rated for language and pathetic lemon. You've been warned. It's a pathetic lemon]


Whacko

Author's Note: I'd count this as part of my HIRS (which, I shall confirm, has acted up once more!), since I was listening to J-pop while watching some people around my age or slightly older play some games before I had to get off my J-pop to join in to play a game of Whacko with them. I lost twice XP but at least I didn't have to do the forfeit coz the person who got hit/lost thrice would have to do the forfeit. I was so relieved, then I immediately thought up of _**this**_.

Wait. No! No! Not saying that the person who got the forfeit had to do what the naughty children in the oneshot had to do! It was just an idea! An idea! The person who had to do the forfeit in real life...All he did was dance with a sheet of rolled up paper in front of us. That's all. Remember...my mind is TWISTED so it just **_turned _**into something like this XP

Disclaimer: I do not own anything concerning Bleach. If I did, Aizen would become the gayest character who loves pink to death and he would kill himself just to go to Pink Heaven, which was what he did in this oneshot -cackles evilly-

**Bold – in-between funny and pointless comments just to tickle that funny bone**

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Boredom was something he would call a useless thing in the world.

To hell with that.

Boredom was something he would call the _**most dangerous**_ useless thing in the world.

Sure, making the futile attempt to stop the paperwork from piling by signing and getting things over and done with quickly was somewhat proven to be a little too stressful for him to cope, and when Unohana-taichou came along to give him some advice on taking a short break from the paperwork, he refused to listen to her, but he had no idea that the motherly woman turned into a frightening demon, of course, and practically dragged him out of his seat to get to the meeting hall where the captain meetings were held every single day from a range of the usual time; from when dawn was breaking to the wee hours of the night. He opened his mouth to protest but all that could come out was the deoxygenated air of his exhalation, as well as a little puff that resembled a small white explosion. As Hitsugaya Toushirou got dragged along the corridors, he frowned while he looked up to the frozen skies.

It was snowing.

…Then a twitch.

He had a really bad feeling about this…

"Ah, Hitsugaya-taichou! You've finally arrived!" Ukitake exclaimed excitedly, the goofy grin plastered on his face. Unohana let go of Hitsugaya who fell to the ground with a plop, and when Hitsugaya saw the incoming fellow Shiro, he stoned. He knew that look…It was the look when the sick guy would… "Here, here, I have all the candies that I brought in on my given order to Kiyone and Sentarou. I thought that they deserved a break to the material world for a short period of time anyway."

Hitsugaya tried to get back up on his feet, but the weight of the massive candy stockings in his arms brought him back down. One should never attempt to defy the laws of gravity, after all. He moaned a little under his breath, his hidden child-like angel about to take control anytime now. Under the pile of candy treats, his mouth went into a sgwiggly line. He didn't know if he should smile or just plain frown. Smile, because it was that special day of the year. Frown, because to his utmost horror, all of the captains remembered what day it was and they used the guise of 'giving him a break' just to throw him a surprise party. Really…if they would go this crazy over him, he couldn't imagine how bad Ukitake got it.

Ohh how Hitsugaya Toushirou just _**despised **_birthdays.

It should be a peaceful birthday this time round. He knew it was. After the sudden death of a certain traitorous bastard, Soul Society was threatened no more and everyone could live their afterlives in utter serenity, but of course the paperwork would continue to pile up even though it was much much less than before. Apparently, Aizen left behind an authentic will, for once, and it was written that he missed his dear fukutaichou's pinkiness so much that he killed himself to go to Pink Heaven. And just so coincidentally, Hinamori went missing. The missing case of Hinamori was announced closed because her reiatsu could no longer be sensed at any part of the universe. Heck, not even the Kidou Corps could find her with their brilliant reiatsu-searching abilities. And besides, I'm sure it was Hitsugaya himself who found her head lying around somewhere.

The death of Hinamori was, truly said, a devastating blow to Hitsugaya. He did not say it, but he showed just how much it had affected him through his subconscious actions. Already he had a poor appetite; now he would lock himself in his office and stay in there for about a week or so before going out just to get a cup of tea, not even realizing that it had been a week and thought that it had only been two hours. Already the lack of sleep bugged him before; now Matsumoto sometimes thought that she hallucinated her captain turning into a Giant Panda, for goodness sake. Already the young captain was not much of a talker, pretty much keeping things to himself especially when other captains were around; now he would not even look at others in the eye.

Matsumoto constantly told him that he should get some sleep but he wouldn't listen to her. He never listens. And then, there was this one time when Matsumoto told him something strange. Something like, "Oh don't worry, captain. I know exactly who'll get you to listen." He remembered arching an eyebrow at that statement before shrugging it off and returning to the paperwork. Even for a genius, he had no idea what his piggish fukutaichou was talking about. After all, it was hard for him to understand a lazy, though doggishly loyal, fukutaichou when all that ever occupied that big, genius brain of his would be the paperwork of the current week's, and the paperwork of next week's, and the week after's and so on and so forth.

But he had no idea…

…That the captains were _**this **_bored…

…To get him a special present…

…To be more precise, it was a certain someone…

…Whom Hitsugaya would least expect to see.

"'Ey, Toushirou! Howzit going?"

Hitsugaya Toushirou pouted at the incoming strawberry who was running up towards him to help him up from the Toushirou-gobbling-cavities. He refused to take the helping hand and looked away. "It's Hitsugaya-taichou to you, Kurosaki." Ichigo smirked at the expected reply. Even though Hitsugaya was utterly unwilling to take that outstretched hand, all the more Ichigo was tempted to grab the tiny slender hand into his and admire just how soft and delicate it was. Oh how lovely it would be to have the perfect chance to land his lips on that hand and send tingles up the young captain's spine, and giving him the goose bumps that he often complained about when they were doing…that. Hitsugaya was staring at him, his arms folded. "…If you're thinking perverted thoughts about me, you'd better stop or else I'll have an iced strawberry smoothie to satisfy my needs. _**Deep-frozen,**_" the young captain added.

"_He can read minds!" Ichigo blinked as he thought silently to himself._

"No, I can't read minds, you blockhead. It's just that I understand you well enough to know exactly what's going through that pea-sized brain of yours."

"_Aka, he can read minds."_

"Oi! Ichigo! Brat! Hurry up, will ya? Remember that you promised me a good match after this pointless thing!" Zaraki exclaimed over his shoulder with a sadistic and fight-induced smirk at Ichigo who smirked back.

"C'mon Toushirou, everyone's waiting," Ichigo spoke tenderly and softly at the captain who was still half-buried in the pile of candy.

"For who?"

"You, duh." Hitsugaya felt the goose bumps again when Ichigo suddenly leaned in to whisper in his ear. He thought the idiot was going to kiss him – in public – but it turned out that it wasn't. Whew. For a second there, that was really what Hitsugaya thought (and wanted) when Ichigo did the redundant action. Was it to tease him? Bastard. And in front of everyone too.

"In the first place, would you mind telling me what's going on?" Hitsugaya asked suspiciously. Whatever Ichigo had up on his sleeve, the icy captain knew that it was something that he would either find completely stupid or embarrassing. Either way, it would be at his disadvantage in terms of pride which was prone to shattering and his dignity which was also prone to shattering. "If I know you, Kurosaki, and I _**do**_, you want to see me in that thing over there," Hitsugaya spoke monotonously as he pointed over to the sakura yukata made specially for females only, trying hard not to flash his dating partner a dangerous glint that he was hiding in his eyes, waiting to pop out anytime to scare the shit out of him.

"What, that? No, that's Byakuya's. We all chipped in to buy him that during his birthday, but he didn't want it so he wanted to give it to you as a birthday present instead."

"…I can see why."

It was cold of Byakuya to that, really really cold, but hey, he was someone who wouldn't normally give a damn about how the commoners usually lived so why should he care about not having any sincerity in giving a fellow commoner-captain a birthday present that he didn't want in the first place? Ichigo is an idiot, everyone knows that, but his idiocy seemed to have infected his friends and they all saved up some money to buy him the most expensive yukata in the whole of Tokyo (which was the girl-exclusive one) and gave it to him as a birthday present. Byakuya could've had slammed the door right in Ichigo's face when the stupid strawberry came personally to give him the gift. It was an indirect joke about he and his zanpakutou; how infuriating.

"But if you really wanna wear it, Toushirou, then you'd have to get a forfeit in the game," Ichigo stated with a very suggestive and seductive, that looked a bit stupid in Hitsugaya's opinion, smile etched on his face.

Hitsugaya obviously did not like that smile. He loved it. **Author gets frozen by Hyourinmaru and Hitsugaya re-types in: **Hitsugaya obviously did not like that smile. He did not love it. **Author gets defrosted and is back in action. **"…Game?"

"Whacko, to be more precise."

"…And just what in the name of paperwork is that?" Hitsugaya asked suspiciously, finally getting himself out of the candy stockings.

"It's a game that humans play, apparently." The icy child was surprised to hear it come from the old man who wielded the most powerful fire zanpakutou in the whole of Soul Society. "This could be a good opportunity for us to experience how humans live their lives, Hitsugaya-taichou. It would do in our favor."

Ah, of course, Yamamoto was still thinking on behalf of Soul Society. No wonder he was interested. But then, why all the other captains as well? Were they seriously that bored out of their minds? They never cared about one another's birthday before…

"We start off by choosing a whacker out of all of us. We call someone's name, like for example, I would call Shunsui's," Ukitake began explaining with a warm, welcoming smile. It seemed that all captains had to dispense with the formalities in this game by calling each other's names. "And Shunsui would have to call another person's otherwise the whacker would whack him and he would have to be the next whacker."

"…So that's the aim of this (pointless) game?" Hitsugaya asked, muttering the word pointless under his breath.

"Whoever breaks the rules would have to do a forfeit," Ichigo continued, the smile still not leaving his face. Hitsugaya had a bad feeling that he planned all this specially for him and him alone. "The rules are damn simple, Toushirou; just don't get whacked, and don't call the person sitting next to you."

"And why am I any part of this?" Hitsugaya sounded exceptionally pissed.

"Coz it's your birthday!" …And Ichigo sounded exceptionally hyper.

"That's not exactly an explanation, dimwit…" the white-haired captain muttered under his breath before Ichigo exclaimed his name and grabbed his wrist, pulling him to the circle of captains and humans for the game to start. Deep down in his heart, Hitsugaya wished that Ichigo could've just had carried on holding his hand. **Author dodges Hyourinmaru and Hitsugaya pouts.**

"Alright, whacker shall be Kon."

"Why me?!" the stuffed toy lion screamed at Ichigo.

"Coz if you become the whacker, I'll let you visit Inoue's three times."

The mod soul nearly got a nosebleed at the thought of seeing the heaven belonging to Orihime and pumped his paw into the air enthusiastically. "Alright, Ichigo! You got a deal! Now, game start!!!"

Ichigo rolled his eyes from the left to the right, and suppressed the urge to shout out his icy lover's name, but he knew exactly how pissed the captain would get to have his name called first in the game and just plainly shouted out a random name. Kon ran over towards Byakuya and jumped high in the air, ready to kick when the nobleman spoke stoically, "…Kyouraku."

"Ya know, Byakuya, you can drop the formalities," Ichigo whispered loudly. The noble paid him no mind.

Kon fell to the ground with a thud and was about to jump back up to his feet when Kyouraku grinned. "Yama-jii."

Yamamoto gave a cough (well, he _**is **_old). "Jyuushirou."

Ukitake looked to the person right in front of him in the circle. "Soifon."

"Komamura."

"Yamamoto."

"Shunsui."

"Kenpachi."

"The big-boob bitch over there! That…that Inoue girl or something!"

"Uh…um…Ishida-kun?"

As the names went on and on and on, other than a dead bored Ichigo whose name surprisingly hadn't been called and an eye-roller sitting next to him with his arms still folded and his silvery white eyebrow twitching at the sight, Kon spun around and around before he fell with a thud, blood spurting out of his mouth when in reality, it was just from a packet of tomato ketchup he sneaked in from the material world. "…Eh…Stop saying so quickly…I can't get to you in time…" the lion whined, but the names just went on as if he never existed.

Until, of course, in the mess of things, Ichigo heard his name being called.

"Wah! Finally!" Kon exclaimed, jumping back up. His energy which had supernaturally returned to him gave him a big boost as he ran over to Ichigo at top speed. "I'm gonna get you, Ichigooooooo!!!"

At this, Ichigo smirked. "Toushirou."

Hitsugaya twitched at the mentioning of the name. "Kurosaki."

Ichigo's grin only widened. "Toushirou."

Make it two twitches. "Kurosaki."

"Toushirou."

"Kurosaki."

"Toushirou."

"Kurosaki."

Grabbing the chance of when Kon wasn't charging towards any of them right at the moment, and the fact that all the others were staring long and hard at them, Ichigo leaned in closer and closer to his beloved Hyourinmaru-wielder. "To.U.Shi.Ro.U."

Hitsugaya had no idea how weirdly stupid his own name sounded when broken up and spoken like that. Kurosaki would have to _**pay**_. Oh yes, he would pay dearly. "Ku.Ro.Sa.Ki."

Ichigo leaned in closer till the two were barely a breath away from each other. Literally. The protector felt the cold icy breath against his neck and the latter could feel the hot steaming breath on his face. They were _**that **_close. "Toushirou."

Hitsugaya's mouth went into the sgwiggly line once more as he backed away, trying to hide the blush on his face. He took a deep breath and spoke of the name that had been urging to escape his dainty lips, "…Ichigo."

As if oblivious to the others, Ichigo smirked even more and crawled towards his lover, caressing the round child-like face with his hands. "Toushirou."

Hitsugaya was about to retort back with another 'Kurosaki' or even 'Ichigo', but as soon as his fuzzy mind began to register the sight of Ichigo's lips suddenly moving in closer and closer , the blush on his face deepened and he couldn't help it. He screamed. Well, not literally a scream. More like a reprimanding kind of a shout to hide his shyness and embarrassment. "It…IT'S NOT TOUSHIROU! It's HITSUGAYA-_**TAICHOU!!!**_"

Before he knew it, there was a knock against his shoulder and he fell backwards, his back speaking of nothing but muffled greetings to the floor. For some reason, his back and the floor became fast friends, and no matter what Hitsugaya did, he could not get off the floor. Ichigo was stifling his laughter, and as was a few of the other captains. "Hehehehehe…Y-you called your own name…" Ichigo muttered out in a fit of laughter before roaring and rolling across the ground, clutching his stomach. Hitsugaya's eyebrow twitched uncontrollably, Kon resting his energy by sleeping on his chest, which pissed him off even more. When Ichigo recovered from his laughter, he wiped a few tears from his eyes and spoke, "Alright, how should we forfeit you?"

Without any further warning, Zaraki gave Ichigo a good kick on the back, pushing the orange-haired vaizard forward as Ichigo stumbled and fell atop Kon with a squelchy splat. The stuffed toy's beady eyes widened to the size of saucers before they dilated into nothing and instantly passed out from the sudden weight, chicks flying around his head. Hitsugaya bit his lower lip from the pain of feeling Ichigo's mass on his chest before the suppressed moan left the gates of his lips and into the air to be free. "_Baka. _Both of you have to get a forfeit," Ishida spoke calmly, repositioning his spectacles.

"What?!" Ichigo shouted. "Why the hell must we both get a forfeit?!"

"Simply put, Kurosaki-kun, the rules were to not call the person sitting beside you. You broke that rule in the first place."

Hitsugaya pushed the heavy strawberry of his chest and sat up straight, tossing the unconscious Kon over his shoulder, not really caring about where Kon would land. "And why must _**I **_be forfeited if that was the case?"

"There is also another rule. You cannot counter the person who called your name; you must call someone else other than the one who called you," Ishida ended, hiding an interested smirk. "Both of you have broken the rules, so both of you have to be punished."

"…Alright, alright, scared of ya and your regulations thingy, Ishida." Ichigo stood up and dusted himself. Hitsugaya followed suit. "What do you want us to do?"

"Since you two bastards love being so sickeningly affectionate with one another…" At the comment, Hitsugaya shot Ichigo a disgusted and disapproving look before Zaraki continued, "…go into that room there and do whatever you wanna do with each other. Fuck for all we care. Just remember that you ain't going out till you two fuck with each other."

"_Zaraki-taichou is surprisingly and nauseatingly perverted…" Hitsugaya mused._

Ichigo was, truth be said, over the moon. The euphoria had taken over his pint-sized brain, while Hitsugaya's emotions were obvious: _**utter dread. **_And slightly taken aback by the fact that all the captains wanted the two to do that to each other. Perhaps Yamamoto, who was the one in charge of giving his consent on matters such as renting rooms out to fellow captains, was hoping for something refreshing that could bring back the memories of his youth. Dis.Gus.Ting.

"C'mon, Toushirou…"

"No." Hitsugaya's answer was firm, though secretly he really wanted it. **Author locks Hitsugaya and Ichigo up in a room to prevent any of them from interrupting author.**

"It's just a little bit of what we usually do at night…" Ichigo nudged, brushing his cheek against Hitsugaya's as a form of begging. He knew that Hitsugaya liked that.

But the captain refused to give his consent. "No is no, Kurosaki."

Ichigo sighed, "Ok, ok, I promise to call you Hitsugaya-taichou from now on."

"No."

"I'll let you sleep with my blankie every night. C'mon, you know you want to…"

"NO."

"Aww, Toushirou, what must I do that'll let you say yes?" Hitsugaya grabbed Ichigo by the collar and brought him down to eye level before pushing his own lips against a confused and shocked defender's. Though he was the one who initiated the kiss, Hitsugaya broke it and gave Ichigo a small push for him to move slightly further away from him as the icy captain covered his mouth with his hand. Ichigo saw hints and tinges of pink mixed with red on the cold cheeks and smirked. So his dear little Toushirou wanted to be the _seme_, eh? Oh ho ho…of _**course **_Ichigo would agree to that. "Heh, no problem, Toushirou. I know what you want."

Hitsugaya arched an eyebrow at the comment. "And you're absolutely fine with the sudden request?"

"Ah, who cares about that?"

"…So you agree?"

"Yup."

"Alright." Hitsugaya grabbed Ichigo by the collar again, this time nearly choking his beloved, and dragged him across the ground. Ichigo made horrible gagging sounds as he got dragged by the collar and his dear white-haired marshmallow who had a fetish of torturing the poor strawberry at times closed the door with a bang. A few seconds later, there was moaning. A _**lot **_of moaning. Soifon used her quick shunpo to gather all of the members of the Shinigami Women Association to come gather around the room. Matsumoto was obviously the most intrigued out of all of them and she pressed her ear against the door, straining to hear the moans that could be heard and were completely desired to be heard by the outside world. Only a select few managed to get to the door in time, mainly Matsumoto, Soifon and Yachiru. Apparently, Rukia was pretty interested too but Byakuya wanted to protect her (as always) and brought her to Renji where she would be guarded until the two naughty children were done with what they were doing, whatever it was.

And then, more moaning.

"Ugh…ow…T-Toushirou…hell…" Ichigo hissed, gripping onto his own fingers. His eyes were shut tight but he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Shut…up…Ku…Kurosaki…" Hitsugaya hissed back, his eyes just as tightly shut. It was his first time as the _seme_ and Ichigo had to admit, for a first-timer, Hitsugaya was pretty good. "Just shut…up…"

"Uggh…Gnn…Toushirou…You're hot…"

Said wielder of Hyourinmaru let go of the restraint on his reiatsu, cooling the entire room down. His grip on Ichigo's shoulders tightened as the two bare chests touched. Ichigo shivered slightly but the smirk found its way back on its owner's face. "You were saying…?"

"Nothin', Toushirou…Carry on…"

**Smack **

"It's…Hitsugaya-taichou…to you…"

Ichigo rolled his eyes under his eyelids and his smirk widened. "Yeah, yeah…" he scoffed.

And they carried on.

_**Half an hour later…**_

Hitsugaya Toushirou unlocked the door, only to find the whole of the Shinigami Women Association passed out on the floor with blissful expressions on their faces, with Matsumoto looking like as if she were drunk. Kurosaki Ichigo stepped out first and scratched the back of his head, noticing that Ukitake was fanning a half conscious Kyouraku who was murmuring something like, "I'm so proud…Those two really did it…Can I have them as my disciples…?" Zaraki was smiling at Ichigo's direction impatiently, awaiting his battle, though he was quite surprised that they actually did it. Some captains had left the room a long time ago – coughByakuyacough – and oh yeah, Yamamoto was smiling and nodding his head for no apparent reason. Long story short, the captains all approved of the twosome's relationship (but it wasn't even denied in the first place) after the convincing scene that unfolded right there, right then, in that room.

And it all started from an innocent little game of Whacko.

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A/N: Uwaaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I can't write lemons! I can't! -bows continuously- _Sumimasen, sumimasen! _I just can't!

Ok, other than the disappointing first attempt at a lemon, I suppose I'm satisfied with this oneshot…Oh hell, I just noticed, and now I'm worried. Are Ichigo and Hitsugaya in any way OOC? Damn, I'm worried…

And Whacko is a real game; why don't you try it out if you haven't? We all love playing this game here in Singapore. It's really fun. Double Whacko is even more exciting. Hehehe. But, crap! I made such an innocent game turn into something really really sick! Oh nooooo! Will the creator of the game ever forgive me? -teary puppy dog eyes-

**Reflect the truth of which you see**

**Tsuki-no-Kurokage**


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